Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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