I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
