Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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