I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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