We're like a lot better than the average bears
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Randomize
