just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
