I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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