I am in a vortex of obligation.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
