ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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