I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize