he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize