somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
