I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I didn't notice because vodka
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
