guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
