Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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