i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
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A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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