Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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