M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
