He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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