I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
