the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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