Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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