Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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