Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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