saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
