Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
