In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
