Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
