if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Randomize
