She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
So much Jack, so little girl.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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