In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
