i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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