Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
