I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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