she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize