Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
