The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
