I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
