i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
