I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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