kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
