I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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