He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
