We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
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