I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I can tuck mytits in my pants
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
