I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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