The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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