i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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