its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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