one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My balls are so social today.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
