He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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