Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize