he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize