Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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