Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
