did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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