I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
