I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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