the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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