This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
