would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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