Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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