Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
