I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
