I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
