People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
